if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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