I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
