I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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