Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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