oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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