i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
