Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
