just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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