i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
