there's paper in my vomit.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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