I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
