weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
