Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
