Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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