Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
