he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
