your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
