Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
