a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
