I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
as a side note pls kill me
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