so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
