why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
