You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
