i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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