Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
