Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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