So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
