so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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