he wants to bone in the snuggie
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
