I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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