The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
bring money and cleavage
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
