I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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