I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
