I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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