so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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