I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
