Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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