so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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