3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
