I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
