She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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