Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
