just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
