put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Who put my cat in the fridge?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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