I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
