We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Randomize
