I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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