I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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