DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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