Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
